Man Shouts “Fuck That Alligator,” Jumps Into Lake, and Is Eaten By Alligator

In his defense, the ample signage was grammatically questionable, declaring “No swimming alligators.” (Technically that implies the alligators present can’t swim.) Regardless, a 28 year old from Texas not only mocked the signs, but wound up being eaten alive within a minute of saying “fuck the alligators,” thus becoming the first man to be killed by alligators in Texas since 1836. Which is another way of saying, he was the first human to go swimming with alligators since then.

Calgary Man Charged After Flying in Lawn Chair Attached to Balloons

What could go wrong in attaching 100 helium balloons to a lawnchair and floating around your hometown? For starters: a police charge of mischief, and a rough parachute landing. “It’s the first time I’ve seen anything like it in my career,” said Insp. Kyle Grant. “I usually see it on those crazy shows on TV of what not to do. He sat in the chair and began floating over Calgary. It’s my understanding that he didn’t have any sort of device to steer the craft and got to a point so high at cloud level that he became a little worried and decided to jump from the chair.” Still no word on whether the chair has landed, or knocked someone out in its descent. Who is this man? Twenty-six-year-old Daniel Boria of Calgary. It was all some kind of failed advertising stunt, in part an homage to the 2009 film, Up, in which a CARTOON NOT REAL MAN tied balloons to a chair and airlifted himself.  

U.S. Man Shoots Off Firework from Top of His Head, Dies

A 22 year old from the States was celebrating July 4th weekend, and obviously drinking, when he decided to launch a firework from his head, as if all the warnings were just joking. Sadly, it was a literally fatal mistake. Devon Staples is now the first fatality from fireworks in Maine since the state legalized fireworks in 2012. The ban had been lifted, thinking that no one would ever do such a thing. So the fireworks industry was reinstated to create jobs and generate money for retailers.

A Man In India Is Claiming To Be 179 Years Old and Says He Has The Documentation To Prove it

His name is Mahashta Murasi. He is from Varanasi, India. He claims he was born in January of 1835. Story goes he’s  been retired as a shoemaker for 122 years. He has no secret to immortality, just the joke, “Somehow death has forgotten me.” He’s reportedly outlived his grandchildren, and fears immortal. “Face it, no one dies past 150.” Medicine can’t pinpoint his age, but he seems to have legit documentation.