It’s heartening to see the City consulting with the public about what to do during and after the great tear up of Water Street. People are calling it “The Big Dig” after that massive infrastructure project undertaken in Boston to bury roads and green the place up.

As it stands we are merely rooting out some old sewage pipes, replacing them and covering them back over, so our scheme is probably better described as “the frig dig.” There have been a number of intriguing alternatives to the status quo presented, pedestrianizing the street or parts of it and so on, but my favorites look like they are going to be ignored.

Escape Tunnel:

Danny Dumaresque’s notion to use the dig as an opportunity to begin tunneling to Europe to escape from the ever more deranged Canadians gets top ranking conceptually but I am uncertain whether it’s affordable at the rates Danny is charging to manage the project.

Totally Parking:

A Parking Theme park, eliminating through traffic and replacing it with a celebration of different styles of parking; lots, garages, towers, on street and off seems appropriate but begs the question how one will drive to get there.

Heritage Graveyard:

The remains of the built heritage we destroy could be dumped into the open ground so that archeologists from a future civilization could appreciate what we do not.

‘igh Line:

This concept, a reclaimed elevated rail line celebrating our surrender of the train and veneration of the automobile mimics a successful model in New York City. But there are concerns that, being narrow gauge, it will not be wide enough and amblers may fall off the edge into the trench below.

Crony Hole:

The last hire or appointment on merit in Newfoundland and Labrador was made, by accident, in Bay L’Argent in 1976. If and when it all comes crashing down thousands of political cronies will be in need of a bunker (and a vault) to hide from the torch mobs.

Beer Pit:

Sort of an ultra-George Street; a pit, knee deep in sick, where drunken yomyocks could go to beat one another senseless for the amusement of on looking crowds. Tourists will love this.

Municipal Chamber of Secrets:

An underground bunker in which City Council can meet, clandestinely, to make decisions that contravene existing municipal guidelines.

Velodrome:

I mean, bike lanes, fuck ‘em right? Where do we think we are living? In the 21st century or something? “Park Free or Die!” All those who insist on peddling bikes about town could go around in circles literally, as well as figuratively.

Moat:

Turning Water Street into a protective moat is probably the proposal with the greatest chance of success. The price is right, we just dig the trench and it floods itself. And it’s necessary as tests of the harbour fence demonstrate that it can be hauled down by only six of Saladin’s horses when the Muslim hoards attack.