This is NOT a guide on “how to get the girl,” or anything as silly as that. Not every woman wants the same thing, and chemistry is either there or it isn’t. This is an exploration of dating scene discontent among women looking for an old-fashioned connection, and the men who let them down.
You can’t make someone like you, but you can try and understand what a lot of women, maybe even the woman of your dreams, is looking for … which clearly is not 2 a.m drunk text, a 3 a.m D pic, or a vague “hey?” on a dating site.
WHAT ARE YOU REALLY LOOKING FOR IN A MAN?
The only traits that got over 100 votes a piece were: a sense of humour, a kind heart, someone interesting who can keep a conversation stimulating, and someone with a passion for something. In short: good company. Put simply by Aurelia, “Funny, smart guys are always attractive. Considerate guys, too.” Obvofake echoes the importance of a man “having a brain and using it. He thinks about his world and is involved in it.”
WHAT IS THE PURPOSE, ULTIMATELY, OF GOING ON A 1ST DATE WITH A GUY?
The answer should be obvious: “To gauge our chemistry and compatibility: can he carry a conversation? If this is going to be more than a hookup, he has to make me laugh and laugh at me. He has to enlighten me. He has to demonstrate the two of us could be friends as much as lovers, because let’s face it: sex constitutes very little of the time a couple spends together.”
“First dates are about making an intro. It should be fun and a snap shot of who you are.” ACJ says “I want to enjoy myself while I’m getting to know you.”
Joey’s comment embodies those of many, “I want humour and just enough confidence to be that saucy, chivalrously flirty date. Also, being passionate, about anything, is huge. It really shows that the guy isn’t going to be dull, and that the date, and possible subsequent relationship, won’t be either.”
… AND YET 90% OF WOMEN FEEL LIKE MEN WANT SEX MORE THAN CHEMISTRY
Despite those common sentiments above, more than 90% of the chemistry-seeking women who took this poll said they find most men are only after sex on a first date, and they’re not being respectful about it. “They’re plain pushy.”
“When I go on a date, I want to see if I feel unique to him, interesting, compatible. But all I get is a series of crass advances or at best, comments on my beauty. I guess that’s all he thinks I am good for: a hot bod in the sack. That’s all women are, hey? Eff that. No guy calls me or my friends back if we don’t put out on date night 1.”
“Many guys will preface a conversation with comments about long legs and where they want to stick their face, assertions they can please a women well. Boring. There’s plenty of that shit on internet, and it mostly makes you seem juvenile.” As ANON 189 says, “If you want a hookup, come find me in a bar on a Friday. If you want me specifically, ask me on a date, and be interesting and kind and into me, not what I can do for you in the bedroom.”
They don’t call it “getting lucky” for no reason: sex is something you’re lucky to land for treating her with respect and admiration, not something she owes you. Yet a lot of answers included frustrations like “They’re all so rude and try and move too fast. My last date told me everyone else has first-date sex as if it’s a strike against me if I don’t. How was I supposed to feel like sex isn’t all he wanted? Not me, just sex. Most women need chemistry, guys, I’m sorry. So you should be trying to create some.”
Most women shared stories of overt sexual aggression on a first date, from hands up skirts under tables, to disturbing tales of near-abduction. “On the way home [from a miserable first date] he drove to a deserted road, stopped the car and asked if I was ready to make out. I was speechless. What creep drives to a deserted road to make out with a complete stranger. I’ve never been so terrified and told him to drop me at home or I’d call the cops.” Do not ever project your expectations on a woman like that.
“NETFLIX AND CHILL” IS THE END OF CHIVALRY
“If you’re actually interested in me, you want to do something more fun than watching Netflix, because you could do that on your own. And so could I. It’s infuriating to only hear from a guy when it’s dark out and he’s just looking to get off. I’m worth more than a blowjob. Make me feel that way if you want one.”
“Couch dates make a guy seem lazy, boring, unsocial, immature, or sex obsessed.”
Netflix and Chill is also not a good move if you don’t know someone first: who wants to be alone in a house with a stranger? “Couch dates seem like a rush to sex and I don’t feel safe when I’ve not met someone or hardly know them.”
THE BORE OF BOOTY CALLS
Booty calls are booty calls – men and women like sex equally. Having a booty call relationship with someone is great, healthy, mutually beneficial. Except … when you booty call a stranger you haven’t slept with yet as a first move. “A booty call is not the way to my heart.”
“Contacting me late at night: that stinks of booty call. If you wanna talk to me, try normal hours, so I know I’m thought of outside of your late-night boner.” ANON 82 adds, “A common first and fatal mistake [is men] forgetting I exist Sunday-Thursday, then suddenly remembering to text me when you’re on George street Friday night.”
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO DATES, ANYWAY?
More than 75% of women complained “men don’t ask women on proper dates anymore, at all, so there’s no way to properly meet, then get to know a guy.”
“I want a confident man who knows who he wants, why he wants her, and how to ask her to give him a shot. But all I get are ‘wanna hang’ texts after dark, or a vague ‘hi?’ on a dating site.”
“No one’s direct and clear and confident and it is infuriating and makes men seem like boys. Ask her on a date like a f*cking grown up. There is nothing sexier than a grown man who is sure about what he wants and isn’t afraid to ask.”
WHAT ARE SOME THINGS HE CAN DO RIGHT ON A FIRST DATE?
These 5 quotes summarize all sentiments in this regard.
“Don’t act like you’re someone else, that’s not the point of meeting YOU. Ask about me, my interests, and have a meaningful discussion that doesn’t feel like an interview. Show a genuine interest in getting to know me.” and “Make me feel more interesting than the damn phone you spend 24-7 with!”
“Honestly, I’m nervous too, let’s laugh about that together. Let’s find out our things in common and talk about those, NOT how attractive you think I am.”
“If you are only looking for a hookup, cut to the chase” and “if you’re actually looking to meet me, keep the setting quiet enough for a chat, and let’s do this one on one.”
“A casual first date is way less pressure. Then I can actually spend more time figuring out how I feel about you instead of how much this fancy meal is costing. Elaborate dates can be nice, but save that for like date number 3 or 4.”
RESPECT HER NOT WANTING TO BE ALONE WITH YOU AT FIRST
Don’t try and get her alone on a first date, she doesn’t know you, so don’t insist on picking her up if she hesitates, or don’t insist on walking her to her car if she declines the invite. “If you met on Tinder, many women will not want to go for a drive with you. It’s generally taught to us that this is not safe. Our dads would disapprove. Try something simple like meeting for coffee in a public place, first.”
“A lot of guys just want to get you alone, for making out I guess, but, c’mon dudes: I don’t freaking know you! And you’re presenting yourself as sex-crazed, so, no, I don’t wanna go back to my place, thanks!”
THINGS TO AVOID ALTOGETHER …
“Dick pics are gross.” And think about it: you wouldn’t whip it out at a party and show her, so why send it to her digitally at 3 a.m? It’s out of context in both scenarios, so keep it in your pants. She only wants to see it if she’s into you, and you’re in the heat of a real live-world moment. Otherwise it’s actually sexually aggressive of you. “Dick pics: never. We don’t care. You come off as simple, sex crazed, or insecure by sending them. Penises don’t turn us on in jpg format and there’s a whole www full of them.”
The other most common turnoff is you making her feel like you’re genuinely interested in her, like there’s something between you two, like you see something in her other people don’t … and then she finds out you’re saying the same kinds of things to 5 other friends of hers? As ACJ says, “May I remind you that we live in St. John’s? There is one degree of separation in this city.”
“When men want to sample every woman, it means they don’t know who or what they really want in a person. That’s immature and a turnoff.” Joey says, “It makes the guy seem like he has no real taste in women, which is boring, and boring is just painful.”
GIVE MEN SOME POINTERS ABOUT ONLINE DATING …
Basically all answers were a spin on this on Frustrated Feminist’s comment, “Keep your shirts on, don’t pose with a dozen other men so it’s impossible to tell who owns the profile, don’t cut your ex out of your photos – it’s still obvious that she’s there, stop posing with exotic animals – it doesn’t make you look well-travelled, don’t use gang signs (gangs are scary, they’re not sexy).” Other profile pic no-nos: “cars, motorcycles, ski-doos, ATVs, or boats (unless you are also in the picture actually using them).”
Segueing out of profile pic preferences, ANON 24 says, “PLEASE KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON. Mention your interests! Talking about what you like is so much more attractive than your nipples.”
“Actually fill out your profiles. Blank profile = no effort into telling people who they are = they don’t care about who you are either = just looking for sex.” As ANON 67 says, “If you can’t make the effort to fill out your profile, you will suck at dating. I might like your abs, but I won’t match with you for them! Why? I’m not that shallow! I’ll match you for your profile description, though.” ANON 139 adds, “Proving you read my profile goes a long way. (Hint: actually read the profiles).”
As for that first message to a potential date, “Stop messaging girls and starting with ‘hey beautiful’ and ‘you’re sexy.’ It’s too generic, if your message could have been copied and pasted to 10 different girls and it would apply to each of them, it’s too generic.”
What about in the bedroom … What’s one thing they’re all doing wrong?
TOP 5 MOST COMMON ISSUES ARE SUMMARIZED BY THESE STATEMENTS:
1.) “Seems like men in their 20s, or even 30s, were raised by the internet, so they seem to think a real life bedroom scene plays out like a porn scene. But we are not porn stars. Please slow down. Please consider my needs too! I’m not here to pleasure you, I’m here to be pleasured too, this is a mutually beneficial moment, remember that! Selfish lovers are like plain donuts, no one wants them.”
“Replicating porno is not realistic, nor does it get the job done. Communicate what
you like, and listen to what I like, and we will both get off. It’s that simple. Don’t be
porno-creepy. Don’t ever do things to me without asking. I’m not opposed to certain things, but only if you ask first. If you don’t, it’s offensive, illegal, and makes me feel disrespected. And sticky.”
2.) “Men’s obsession with their penis size, big or small. How big you are isn’t going to help me think you’re an amazing guy. I only like amazing guys. Penises are kinda gross and we don’t even need them: I speak on behalf of women everywhere: more oral or skilled hands, please.”
3.) “Stop with the ‘hit it and quit it’ thing. I don’t care if you’re done in 30 seconds and ashamed of yourself: half of guys are. What I care about is you thinking that means it’s all over before I am done. Don’t leave me hanging because I’m the tortoise and you’re the hare! Honestly, I am not here to shame and emasculate you for your ‘short cummings.’
I am here to get off too, not just get you off, whether you’re done yet or not!”
4.) More foreplay. “Has anyone ever heard of foreplay? I don’t want it to be over before I’m even into it.” “A woman needs foreplay, or she’s going to take even longer to get off.”
5.) “Be more respectful than you’re being. Don’t push my head down there, don’t tell me St. John’s women don’t wear condoms anymore. Gross.”