The H’Onion: Local Man Kidnaps Jamie Oliver; Will Release Him When He Gets His ‘Friggen Santoku Knife from Sobeys”

Charles Kimble, a native of St. John’s, has kidnapped celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, and his demands are simple ...

Charles Kimble, a native of St. John’s, has been to England and back this week, but he didn’t go for fish’n’chips nor a spot of tea with the queen: he has kidnapped celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, and his demands are simple.

“I’m teaching these sons of bitches at Sobeys a lesson: it’s called honouring your Goddamn promise. It says right on the cover of the booklet missus at Sobeys gave me: to get a 6.5 inch Santoku knife, I need  70 stamps. Well guess who’s got 70 stamps, and guess who’s out of knives? To hell with that. I got Jamie Oliver til I get my friggen knife. 70 stamps, that’s the whole friggen book I got filled!”

Kimble says there were times he would buy an extra peach, or a head of cauliflower, “despite them being 8 friggen bucks,” because he was gunning for  the Santoku knife. “I haven’t got one of those, who friggen does?”

On his end, Jamie Oliver told media Charles Kimble has a point. “I didn’t loan my boyish, trustworthy face to the people of Newfoundland only to be their biggest let down since the 2015 city budget. I just want to get back to coiffing my hair and writing my 90th cookbook. Get the man his knife!”

Oliver says he tried giving his kidnapper his own and “far better” Santoku knife, in hopes of gaining release, but Kimble was quick to say, “That’s not the friggen point! All winter long,  I went to Sobeys instead of Costco because I was hooked on them friggen yellow stamps, and for what?”

To pass time while Sobeys and the RNC find a Jamie Oliver 6.5 inch Santuko knife, reports indicate Oliver is teaching Kimble about the under-utilized Santoku knife, “so he’ll know what to do with the Santoku when he is finally hooked up with what is rightfully his.”

“It’s actually a really cool knife,” Oliver adds. “Santoku  literally means ‘three virtues’ or ‘three uses,’ as it is intricately designed to fulfill three functions:  slicing, dicing, and mincing.”

So far, Oliver has gotten Kimble comfortable dicing apples, and the two figure that by the time Sobeys finally hooks him up with his own Santoku, Kimble will have mastered the knife well enough to dice up a tomato without pulverizing the bloody thing. “Dicing simply means cutting something into cubes or ‘dice’ by the way. Kimble didn’t know that until I told him. And mincing means chopping into fine pieces.”

Kimble adds, “In that regard, this hasn’t all been for nothing. I’m slicin’ and dicin’ over here. I’m mincin’ and making my first minestrone.”

When asked what use the Santoku knife will be to him once he is arrested and put in jail for kidnapping Jamie Oliver, he had no response, other than to say,

“Someone had to do this. Someone had to take a stand against the Sobeys being out of knives. I’m glad it was me, and for my time together with Mr. Oliver. We have become pretty close. Maybe when I’m in jail I’ll look up this ‘stockholm syndrome’ he keeps joking about. I laugh along with some of his British jokes, not wanting to seem of inferior intelligence to my captive. I need to keep the upper hand here.”

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