BEEP YOUR HORN WHY DON’T YOU!
K.L “I saw you lose your cool, Mr. Normally Mild-Mannered. That was some savage road rage at the person in front of you, who didn’t run the yellow light. Which was me by the way. You didn’t seem to notice. Do we ever really know a person until we test their patience?”
Laurel: “I can’t stand how smokers think if they roll a window down, the car isn’t gonna reek of smoke. Also: why don’t smokers realize they smell like old dirty boots? And I can’t stand cabbies who think they’re cool if they let people smoke in their cab if they roll the window down … because as I’ve already covered: that does NOT work.”
READY TO POP; REALLY SCARED.
ANON: “I’m weeks away from giving birth to my first child. I should be excited. Instead I’m terrified. Terrified of all the things that might be wrong with this baby. And it makes me feel like a horrible person, to be worried it’s going to have some kind of disease or disorder or weird traits I will hold against it, when all I want to do is love it thoroughly. I’ve told no one this. It’s nice to get it off my chest here! I have dreams about it being a creepy baby lately. Like, just spooky. Like a Chucky doll. Out to get me. I can’t ask my girlfriends if this is normal for some reason.”
I SEEN ‘YA
Debrah: “I saw you, beautiful old lady, looking out the window at your elderly husband with concern as he shoveled all that snow. Him with more pride than lower back strength; you with more concern than a desire to get out of your house. Old people in love melt my heart!”
Nate: “Why the hell do people shovel DURING a storm? It’s the very dumbest thing Newfoundlanders do. Like — wait until the storm is over, b’y, or everything you shoveled is for nothing.”
DEAR NEIGHBOUR …
Christo-Furious-Pher: “My Dear Georgestown Neighbour, just because you don’t like to sleep in, and think shovelling is more important than anything, doesn’t mean you should get up at like 6 am and shovel your driveway down to the pavement, making scrappy noises that wake everyone else up. Who needs their driveway that clean, and for no reason. You barely leave your house. Who shovels at 6 am, then goes inside for the day!?”
I SAW YOU
A.Z: “I saw you, Grey Hatted Man at Atlantic Place, smiling at the lines in the book you were reading. You missed your mouth with your Mr.Sub, and got a mayo smear on your face and didn’t even know. So cute. P.S — Who gets Mr. Sub?”
Timothy: “Does Tim Horton’s EVER have hash browns? Every time I get a breakfast combo: ‘ Sorry we’re all out of hash browns today.’ … LIKE ALWAYS. It’s very disheartening. And no, I don’t want a muffin (lard!) or donut (Lardier lard!) instead. Sheeeeeeeesh!”
J: “I’ve got the heart of a mountain-climber and the mind of an entrepreneur. You’re a timeless beauty who thinks the most fun thing that two people can have together is to build things from the ground up. How about it: Want to work and play together? Want to share the spiritual joys of powerwalking, powershopping and powermongering? Let’s gaze at the bottom line by day and oil up each other’s charisma by night. Please: no dice-rollers, white liars, or compulsive jaywalkers. Must be willing and able to lose at chess.”
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