ARIES (MAR. 21 – APR. 19)
Unfortunately, the bottle of mayo in your fridge is from the same batch its manufacturer failed to recall. Both you and the company are unaware of the absolute filth you’ve been putting in you.

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
Never seen a wild rat before? That’s too bad. It’ll be doubly shocking when you wake up to one gnawing into your goddamn leg next week! Like, it’s going to go for the bone.

GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 21)
Be wary of changing lightbulbs this month. Because you’re either going to fall off a chair and die, or get electrocuted and die. That is, if you don’t get electrocuted, then fall off the chair and die.

CANCER (JUNE 22 – JULY 22)
There’s this person who is so hurt and rightfully vengeful of their best friend – who just really, really betrayed them – that their rage is going to blind them to the fact you are merely the lookalike of this friend. You’re going to have your face pounded in, in a grocery store parking lot, for simply looking like this person’s double-crossing friend.

LEO (JULY 23 – AUG. 22)
It’s so weird. You’re just going to be driving along, and BAM! The airbag’s going to deploy RIGHT in your face. How badly will this send you into oncoming traffic? Time will tell.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 – SEPT. 22)
Contrary to popular belief, the Newfoundland Wolf wasn’t completely hunted to extinction. There’s still a few left, and they’re staging a non-peaceful retaliation on May 18th in your driveway, as you come home from work.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23 – OCT. 23)
Did you hear about the man stabbed in the face with a key at the Avalon Mall last month? You’re next.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 21)
The next time you put popcorn in the microwave it’s going to catch your house on fire. So. The popcorn better be damn well worth it, considering.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 – DEC. 21)
There is still talk that cell phones might cause brain cancer. And you’re about to be living proof.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 – JAN. 19)
Either you do yoga, and you’re about to snap a hamstring like a guitar string, or you don’t do yoga, and you’re generally less healthy or of sound body & mind as your Capricorn cohorts. Lose-lose.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 18)
Imagine. You’ve gone all these years without getting lice. But you’ll drop your guard for one second this month, and some punk-ass kid is going to gift you something you do not want, and is senseless to return.

PISCES (FEB. 19 – MAR. 20)
Unbeknownst to you, there is a dead mouse in your water line. As it rots there, expect to get violently ill from drinking the bacteria associated with a decaying mouse. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, but that’s still really gross.