ARIES (MAR. 21 – APR. 19)
No. You won’t lose that winter weight. Best go buy a new summer wardrobe.

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
You’re right to be putting on sunscreen, but unfortunately, the bottle you bought … something went wrong in the production plant the day that batch was made. Disgruntled employee + no one looking = poor you.

GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 21)
Geminis are said to be “clever and adaptable,” and yet, when cornered by a feral cat this month, you’re not going to know the right move. Biting will ensue. The scratching will be worse. And you’ll never look at a cat the same way again.

CANCER (JUNE 22 – JULY 22)
Even with this warning, you’re going to forgetfully reach into the oven, at least once this month, without an oven mitt on.

LEO (JULY 23 – AUG. 22)
Funnily enough, you’re going to pop a pill to feel better, and yet, that pill is going to choke you to death.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 – SEPT. 22)
There’s nothing wrong with sushi: it’s actually healthier to eat your meats raw – heat denatures nutritious proteins, etc, etc. The trouble is, one time in a million, a funky piece of fish is full of little worms the chef didn’t notice … as will happen to you this month if you join your pals for some All You Can Eat.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23 – OCT. 23)
Careful about the rooms you walk into this month, Libra. No amount of tears will ever get your eyes clean; you’ll never un-see what you’re bound to walk in on this month.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 21)
Unfortunately, some perv is going to be checking out a babe on the street, and the dirty-minded driver is going to drive his or her car right into you, bending your knees painfully in the wrong direction, and claiming at least 3 teeth with the hood of their car.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 – DEC. 21)
Poor ol’ Saggies: combine the fates of Libras and Scorpios. You just can’t avoid the wrong place, wrong time scenario this month, can you?

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 – JAN. 19)
You’re going to be just sitting there, and BAM! Some kid’s wayward baseball is going to come flying through the window, and into your head. It’ll “smart.” You’ll know what the word “smart” means now as a verb. (A ringing sort of stinging.)

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 18)
Imagine your surprise when you fall over the stairs on the 17th! Such a pity to be in a cast during the heat of the summer.

PISCES (FEB. 19 – MAR. 20)
Jason Priestley didn’t like the look of you. And he’s not alone. Far from it in fact. Basically, he echoed the sentiments of the masses. You need to work on whatever it is you’re doing wrong. First impressions matter.