July’s Horrible Horoscopes

Another month where everyone loses

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)

A comet crashed into the earth forever ago, and because of that, there are a few flecks of weird space dust in the city’s water supply. Unfortunately, they’re going to make their way into your glass of water this month, giving you a painful, chronic disease no doctor will ever be able to diagnose, because how could they know you’ve ingested weird space dust?

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)

It’s July, it’s heating up out there, sure. But you don’t want to roll your car windows down this month, Taurses. It’s in the cards that a crow will accidentally glide on in, wreaking panic and havoc that ends well for no one.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

You can “tick” being bitten by a tick off your list of fears. They’re on the island now, many carry lyme disease, and your doctor will soon be explaining what lyme disease entails for you very shortly. We’re talking everything from limb pain to memory loss.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Uh oh. Your car stereo – or the car stereo of a friend or family member – is going to eject a CD at you like a ninja star. You’ll just be sitting there at a red light, then WHACK.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Leo’s symbol might be a lion, but the only thing roaring in your life this month will be a flaming, irritated case of ….

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Oh, those of you born between August 25th and September 10th are in double jeopardy! Combine the fates of Geminis and Pisces.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

Poor Libra, you’ll just be walking along this month, when unbeknownst to you, a carload of skeets fleeing an armed robbery is going to slam right into you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21)

That sweet, noble Scorpio tendency will flare up in you this month. And you’ll charitably purchase a glass of lemonade from a sweet lil kid from a sidewalk stand. Little do you know he/she is a pissed off brat, taking out their frustration that Mom won’t buy them an iPhone 6, so they’ve pissed in a jug of lemonade they’re selling to get back at the unjust world.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Be wary of wasp nests this month. A swarm of wasps will inevitably come charging at you at some point, but if you’re on your toes, maybe you’ll escape the worst of it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’re just better off not knowing what’s about to happen to you. That way you can enjoy the first 2 weeks of July before being ABSOLUTELY AND PERMANENTLY DEVASTATED.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Ah, water sign, quencher of both thirst and fire. Thirst anyway. You’ll find out shortly just how defenceless you are against fire.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)

You will surely be the next/third person to buy produce from Sobeys/Dominion that has a black widow spider on it; nervous and on edge and ready to bite. Yes, they’re venomous.

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