Horrible Horoscopes for March

ARIES (MAR. 21 – APR. 19)
Unfortunately, the spirit of a very angry bull that
was killed in Spain’s barbaric running of the bulls
has been reincarnated into an Atlantic Canadian
coyote. That angry coyote is coming to get you.

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
This month you will really let your mom down. And
how dare you.

If you are a Gemini who drives, here’s what’s going
to happen: your airbag will deploy for no reason,
causing a terrible accident. No one will believe
your airbag deployed BEFORE the accident, liar.
Your cellphone, found later under a seat, will be
enough to convince the world you were a texting
twit who caused a bad accident.

If you’re that spry and youthful type of cancer, well,
you’re about to find out just how plaguing a feeling
a bad back is. One wrong move while shovelling,
or one misstep on an icy sidewalk, will have you
forever regretting living in such a snowy city.

LEO (JULY 23 – AUG. 22)
Poor you, Leo. Combine this month’s Virgo and
Scorpio horoscopes for you fate. Damn.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 – SEPT. 22)
Somewhere, there is a nest of 100 spiders waiting
to burst open and attack you for disturbing them.
Be wary of things like: a box of tea, your box of
garbage bags, or your mailbox – they’ve claimed
something of yours as their home.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23 – OCT. 23)
According to horoscope literature, “Libras love
excitement, new situations, adventure, and the
unusual.” And yet, you’re about to have the most
dull and painfully uneventful month of your life,
and it will be contagious – people will find it boring
to be near you.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 21)
You better sleep with your sheets tucked tight
under your body. Because this is the month a
vicious demon has plans to possess you, and
make you as ugly as missus in The Exorcist. At
least with your sheets tucked tight, you’re safe
from falling out of the bed as it flops around, or,
from hurting your loved ones.

Go do a first aid course. For some reason, many
people around you, even strangers, will need
things like CPR and the Heimlich maneuver this
winter, and now that you’ve been warned to be
prepared, how bad will you feel you’ve ignored this

Who knows why, but the guy who used to play The
Karate Kid in the movies is going to kick your ass
really badly. Like, he’s going to go too far. And for
no reason. He’s going to come out of nowhere.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 18)
“Aqua”rius. Better hope you’re as good a swimmer
as your sign name would imply. You’ll understand
this vague comment by the 23rd of the month.

PISCES (FEB. 19 – MAR. 20)
Quite often, a cellphone video of a moose in a
residential area goes viral, and the world laughs.
Sadly for you, the moose you encounter on your
property will not be funny, or cute, but rather trapped
in your house and freaking the f*!k out. Its hooves and
antlers will destroy everything you’ve ever loved.

And Now You Know

Maria Jones-Elliott once gave birth to a set
of twins … who were born 87 days apart.

Our evolutionary shift to walking upright
can be blamed for human back pain,
hemorrhoids, and varicose veins – all
of which are the result of gravity pulling
down on our spine, blood, and blood

One more fact about humans: your
tongue print is as unique to you as your

Speaking of animals, hippos are some of
the most dangerous animals on earth,
and prove it by killing an average of 3,000
humans every year. That’s far more than,
say, crocodiles or lions … or whales, to
whom the hippopotamus family is most
closely related.

In 1567, the man with the longest beard
ever recorded tripped over his own beard,
while fleeing a fire, and died.

Questionable Australian Graham Barker
has been collecting his own belly button
lint for over 18 years. He holds the world
record for “biggest ball of belly button
fluff” and hopes to collect enough to stuff
a whole pillow one day. Which is gross.
It’s unlikely he will find a lover willing to
share such a pillow.

Life Hacks Worth Knowing

Can’t fit a dresser in your room, or need more drawers?

Build a shelving unit on the inside of a closet door.
There’ll be room for at least for 4 rows of T-shirts,
socks, undies, pajamas, whatever.

Your Printer’s Ink Cartridge isn’t REALLY Out of Ink Yet

Sometimes, usually when you’re running late for a
meeting or interview or something, you hit print and
get the “out of ink” error message. If you remove the
ink cartridge and examine it, there’s usually a reset
button on it. The reset button is tiny, so unfold a paper
clip to press it with, and this will trick your computer
into really bleeding the cartridge dry, getting you
at least a few pages printed if you’re in a desperate
panic for your document.

No Need Ironing Your Shirt If You Have Some Ice Cubes

Throw a wrinkly shirt in your dryer with a few ice cube
and wrinkles be gone.

Keeping Things Crispy in the Microwave

If for some reason you’d rather microwave leftovers
instead of re-heating them in the oven, place a glass
of ice water on the plate in the microwave to keep
things like pizza or lasagna crispy.

Need to charge your phone in a hurry?

Switch it to airplane mode, and it’ll charge faster

Change Your Wall’s Artwork Monthly for Free

Magazines and papers pay good money for their
front covers, so why not show off your good taste
in reading? Hang 5  or 6 clothes hangers on your
wall, and drape your favourite monthlies – like
The New Yorker or Quill & Quire – over the bottom
of them.