Horrible Horroscopes for April 2015

ARIES (MAR. 21 – APR. 19)

Aries means “RAM,” which is exactly what a Metrobus is going to do to you this month. It won’t be gentle, either.

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)

Someone close to you is going to go through their jazz phase this month. Which will do more damage to your nervous system than having an IV of bad coffee jammed into your veins while strapped against your will to an angry bull.


I spy with my little eye, one little wounded Gemini; not sure how, or not sure when, but you’ll be hurting by April 10.


You’re going to have a great month, Cancer folk! In fact, sunshine will shoot out of your ass. But everyone around you is going to have a brutal month, and you’ll become their object of jealous rage. Everyone you love is going to turn on you, through no fault of your own. Even Nan.

LEO (JULY 23 – AUG. 22)

To date, all confirmed cases of local rabies have been confined to Labrador. But when rabies does cross over to the island, it’s YOU that rabid foxes will be coming for, by the pack, and biting HARD.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 – SEPT. 22)

If you thought the story of missus in Labrador finding the lizard head in her bag of frozen veggies was gross, wait ‘til you see what’s in store for the end of your fork’s prong this month!

LIBRA (SEPT. 23 – OCT. 23)

This month you will fall into a pothole, straight through time, and into another dimension populated only by one million Matthew McConaugheys who all talk in unison about Physics theories that make no sense to you, or in general.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 21)

Aw, damn: Combine the fates of Aries and Leos, only, add more Metrobusses and foxes.


You’re going to accidentally hurt one of the musicians in town for the ECMAs, and though it was an accident, you’ll go down as a heartless, careless villain. Even Mom won’t look at you the same anymore, “How Could You! Who ARE you?”


You will choke awkwardly and violently on a piece of food in a very public place this month, and because of recent changes to the Heimlich maneuver, no one’s going to feel comfortable stepping forward to help you.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 18)

Downside: you will be the first recorded fatality from an old hag dream, (she’s really just going to go too far this time!). Upside: No one will ever take that claim to fame away from you. Like, ever.

PISCES (FEB. 19 – MAR. 20)

A skeet is going to break into your house. And that’s only the start of it. Because a second skeet is going to break in a mere minute later, and a serious fight will erupt as to who is entitled to your TV: First Come First Serve, or Finders Keepers? Expect to be caught in the middle of this very heated debate and have your argument of, “HEY! IT’S ACTUALLY MINE SO LEAVE IT ALONE!” not even be taken into account.