God Guard Thee: Our Political Destiny is Written in the Stars

As you know, reason is powerless in our demon-haunted world. Instead of ushering in a general period of enlightenment, in 2018 it turns out that constant 24/7 access to the internet actually melted everybody’s brain.

As you know, reason is powerless in our demon-haunted world. Instead of ushering in a general period of enlightenment, in 2018 it turns out that constant 24/7 access to the internet actually melted everybody’s brain.

Magical thinking has overtaken everybody; sorcerers work their tricks in the scorching lights of day. But content aimed at holding back this cresting tide of a new dark age was received poorly by a number of stakeholder focus groups, so after carefully consulting with my brand management team, we have decided that I’m just going to lean into it.

This month, we’re exploring provincial politics with astrology.

DISCLAIMER

If any of these profiles turn out to be inaccurate, it’s not because astrology is a superstitious pseudoscience whose only value is metaphor for the complex ways in which human beings are determined by forces beyond their control. It’s actually because I only considered the positions of the two primary celestial bodies (Sol and Luna) and neglected to build a full natal chart accounting for the more subtle trines, sextiles, and declensions required for piercing accuracy.

DWIGHT BALL

Who can know the heart of the Premier? The Sun in Sagittarius suggests a personality that is noble and refined, but also high-strung and indecisive. Besides an intensely proud temperament and a deep fear of humiliation, these individuals have a kind of feral shyness to them that makes them somewhat awkward. They have a hard time taking advice and at any moment seem like they might dart away into the woods. The Moon in Capricorn suggests somebody cool and calculating, maybe to the point of cold aloofness. Combined with a Sagittarian tendency to wilt under pressure, these individuals tend to respond to things in an angry and reactive way when it brings them out of their comfort zone. Many of these traits are well suited to winning elections, but maybe a little less so in governing.

PAUL DAVIS

Ah, Gemini. They have a tendency to appear vague and irresponsible. Even when they’re devoting all of their energy and focus on a single object – such as “being premier” – it will still rarely seem like they ever accomplish anything at all. But it’s not their fault! That’s just the way it goes when the Sun, fulcrum of the human spirit, shows up in the airiest sign of the airiest element. I didn’t invent the rules. The good news, at least, is that Paul’s Moon is well-dignified in Leo. It gives a natural inclination to initiative and leadership, as well as a doggedly optimistic outlook. Just beware that too much of a good thing isn’t bad: know your limit and play within it, lest overconfidence guide your head into a wall.

PAUL LANE

Paul Lane is an odd duck, so it’s no surprise he’s got a weird star chart. The Sun in Cancer is a strange fellow, mellowing into easy-going contentment under the cooling influence of this cardinal water sign. In a less energetic personality, this person would be far removed from politics. But his Pisces Moon – and the restless romanticism it can sometimes breed – keeps this character agitated always and only by the affairs of the moment. He should be wary of easy misdirection in the service of evil ways, but can take comfort that his instinct for survival will never be matched.

CHES CROSBIE

Like Paul Davis, Ches “suffers” from a Gemini sun sign. (Or maybe it’s the PC party that’s actually a black hole of human energy?) But meeting Luna in Cancer is a blessing indeed. Cancer is the Moon’s house and in her abode she melts into sensuous warmth. The result is a sharp, hungry, and meditative mind; clear thought and vivid memory. But it is precisely this meditative placidity that makes it difficult to rouse to action. This mind perceives clearly but moves ponderously. All the worse that this cerebral force risks fracture by Gemini’s tendency to split thought and action against each other.

GERRY ROGERS

When the Sun sits exalted on his throne in Leo, he radiates nothing but power and glory. People in this sun sign are full of strength and vigour, and they shed this energy on everything around them. When well-dignified, they are magnanimous in victory and unbroken in defeat; an aristocrat in the classical sense, one who ‘rules by excellence.’ Unfortunately, like the premier, the leader of the NDP may find herself thwarted by the awkward position of the Moon in Capricorn. These minds devour new information ravenously but suffer from a kind of nervous indigestion that can make committed decisions and actions difficult – especially if it brings them outside their comfort zone. Perhaps above all the houses of the Zodiac, the Leo’s greatest enemy is herself.

DALE KIRBY

The Sun in Taurus hangs in the sky like a very weighty boulder: slow to start rolling but relentless once in motion. They cannot be driven, but they are easily led – especially by the passions, above all anger, which in this character verges on a kind of madness. Combine this with the confused fanaticism of the Moon in Pisces – a mind pulled unknowingly forever after its own furious inertia – and the legendary pettiness of provincial politics, and you might have a recipe for trouble. (The stars are unclear on this; they too await the report from the Commissioner of Legislative Standards before they will reveal anything else.)

DANNY WILLIAMS

It should shock nobody that Danny Williams is a Leo; he has always paraded around like a King and accordingly been hailed as one. But there is a chilling influence on this house from his Sagittarian Moon; so cold and clear is this mind when fixed upon an object that it revolts when oppositional ideas or facts arise to cloud its vision. Combined with Leo’s regal force, this can result in the ego’s unchecked expansion and grant this solar power an evil shabbiness; the master degrades into a tyrant. The ambition of such people can sometimes become uncontrollable; excess fails to satisfy their appetites and rouses only a deeper and more ferocious hunger. This implacable upward drive is what powers their success, but it also authors their disaster. Sooner or later they grasp beyond their reach and fall headlong into the sea. In these final moments, the tyrant comes to realize that he is the first and final victim of himself. But pride compels the Leo to keep this insight to himself – especially when he gets a bailout from the city of St. John’s.

Well, that’s all the stars are saying this month. I hope everyone has a great late spring and early summer. Join us next time for a basic primer on how to cast out demons in the sacred name of Jesus. Do you have problems with debt, depression, anxiety, self-esteem, interpersonal relationships, and miscellaneous? Exorcism might be for you.

It’s faster than waiting for MCP-covered therapy and cheaper than private counselling!

You can’t lose!

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