HORRIBLE HOROSCOPES

ARIES (MAR. 21 – APR. 19)

The thing with being an Aries, as you know, is that you’re no one’s favourite person. Not even your mother’s. You will be reminded of this in examining your love life this month – if you’re currently in a relationship, you’ll be dumped by the 14th, for someone whom even you would agree is a much better person. If you’re single, well, expect to stay that way until you change. Radically and dramatically.

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)

You know that fear you’ve had your whole life? Heights, chronic body odour, alien abduction? Brace yourself. There is a fine line between irrational fear and premonition: that thing you’ve always feared the most is coming to get you this month … and it’ll be worse than you imagined.

GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 21)

You will cross paths with the wrong police officer this month, and the officer will blame you for everything that’s going wrong in their world at the moment. Seriously, don’t even look at a cop this month. It’s insane what they can get away with. (In fairness, you’d be angry too if you had to wear those hats 24-7.)

CANCER (JUNE 22 – JULY 22)

The heart has to beat about 100,000 a day. Your kidneys and liver are constantly purifying your blood. Obviously something has to go wrong at some point with your health, and this month is the month for you.

LEO (JULY 23 – AUG. 22)

Careful checking your mailbox this month, Leo. You’ll know why you’ve been warned by month’s end.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 – SEPT. 22)

It’s not the best of “first times,” but at least you’ll get “first run-in with a feral sasquatch” off your list this month.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23 – OCT. 23)

Not a good month for Libras who are fond of their jobs: come month’s end your professional life will utterly implode. It’s hard to explain now, but there are worse fates than being fired by your employer. You’ll understand this by the 24th.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 21)

In lieu of stars aligning and bringing you good fortunes this month, you will instead be smashed by a comet en route to work. No point “keeping on your toes.” It’ll come out of nowhere, quite quickly, as comets tend to do.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 – DEC. 21)

Be wary of sharp objects this month, Sagittarians. Whether it’s a thumbtack to the soft pad of your foot, or the tip of a knife a chef didn’t realize had cracked off in the soup you ordered, there’ll be nothing “dull” about your run-ins with sharp objects this month.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 – JAN. 19)

What a bad month for you: combine the fates of Virgos and Libras. Sheesh!

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 18)

Expect to be rushed to the hospital by month’s end, and expect to be misdiagnosed. One false move by a nurse will leave you worse off than you were when you got there.

PISCES (FEB. 19 – MAR. 20)

It is estimated North Americans unknowingly consume up to 2 pounds of bugs each year – for instance, the odd mosquito wing or beetle thorax will end up in your box of cereal from time to time. But that’s nothing compared to the gross food encounter you’re going to have by the 22nd of the month. This meal’s gonna be a doozy. You’ll probably even die.

And Now You Know

In 1999, a man decided his twist on sword swallowing would be to swallow umbrellas instead. He died by accidentally pressing the open button on an umbrella while it was deep inside of him.

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Redheads might be knock-outs, but anatomically speaking, they require larger doses of anaesthesia to be knocked out themselves. They’re also more resistant than most to painkillers.

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There aren’t actually 24 hours in a day. A “day” is measured by how long it takes a planet – in our case earth – to spin around once, which, instead of 24 hours, is technically only 23 hours, 56 minutes, and 4 seconds long.

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Ever had the urge to bite or pinch a cute baby or puppy? Has your partner ever done something so touching and sweet you … punched them? This is called “Dimorphous Expression.” Your mind gets so overwhelmed it reacts with the exact opposite emotion – you pinch a cute thing or punch a sweetheart.
Sixteen year old Daniel Petric’s parents thought the video game Halo 3 was too violent. When they took it from him and locked it away, he stole his father’s gun and killed them for it.

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Beyonce is, as of this year, the single most nominated woman in the history of the Grammys.

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Get heartburn? Mix 1 tablespoon of baking soda with a few drops of lemon juice in a glass of water; drink it immediately before it fizzes out.
A German prisoner escaped from a jail in Willich by hiding in one of the boxes a courier was to deliver from the jail to the outside world.

Love Hurts … Here’s Proof

A Romantic Gesture Worth Dying For

For his girlfriend’s birthday, a man in China decided to mail himself to his girlfriend’s office on her birthday. When she opened the box, he was completely unconscious and in need of medical attention. He said, “I tried to make a hole in the cardboard but it was too thick and I didn’t want to spoil the surprise by shouting.”

The Cost of Romance

It was a decent idea: a man stuck a $10,000 engagement ring in a balloon and filled it with helium, to, get this, “literally pop the question to her, Will you marry me?” But a gust of wind tore the balloon from his grip, and the ring was gone with the wind. He spent two hours chasing it. Somewhere in the world, there’s a $10,000 ring inside an old balloon. Probably in a landfill.

You Are What You Eat, So Why Not Feed Her Gold?

A man invited his friends to witness the moment he’d propose to his lover. They chose Wendy’s, because she wouldn’t expect a proposal at Wendy’s among friends. The man hid the ring in a Frosty, awaiting her to bite into something solid. But by the time she got to the bottom of the cup – no ring. Everyone panicked: she’d obviously swallowed the ring unknowingly. An X-ray in fact confirmed it.

You Might as Well Make a Hit Documentary of Your Rejection

When comic Patrick Moote proposed to his partner via the big screen at a sports game, she turned him down on account of his … small penis. He reacted by making a great documentary, called Unhung Hero, about his travels all over the world in search of why size matters, if it matters, and how he might
enlarge himself.

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