Pelley Folding The Overcast to Focus on His Collection of Vintage Cabbage Patch Dolls
After fifteen issues, Pelley says he’s ready to move on.
“I realized I could bust my ass at the office 60 hours a week,” he says, “Or I could stay home and have tea time with my dolls all day — I have 47 now, coming up on 50, so waiting their tea tables keeps me awfully busy!” He added that “every minute I waste working on the paper is another minute I’m not scanning Ebay for another great deal on a vintage Cabbage Patch, you know?”
Former Mayor Andy Wells has expressed interest in purchasing the paper. “As you know,” Wells says, “Climate change isn’t real, and I don’t need a background in science to make this claim. Seeing how my letter to The Telegram made City Council change their minds on buying electric cars … it got me thinking: running a paper would allow me to force my unfounded opinions on the world.” Wells says his first cover story would reveal how “Quinnapac wasn’t really 130 years old, that’s a lie too, so of course it was bulldozed. Heritage is yuppie nostalgia!”
When asked if he minds what Wells has planned for the future of The Overcast, Pelley merely muttered something about his latest doll. When reminded this article was about the demise of the paper, not his Cabbage Patch collection, he seemed frustrated. “I just don’t have the time to execute all my visions for this paper. But when it comes to arranging my Cabbage Patch collection into Instagram-worthy shots, I think I could bang out 3 to 4 really nice ones a day. I’d be happy and professionally satisfied with that.”
He’s also relayed that a lawsuit hurt the paper financially at a time he was trying to expand. “Yeah, the university has like 5 papers/magazines now, and they’re delivering off campus. Their papers don’t fit in our racks, and yet they keep stuffing them in the bottom anyway It’s a tripping hazard in places like Sobeys and Dominion, so we’ve got 18 slip and falls on our hands because of the university papers parasitizing our racks.” Pelley could not be reached for further comment on the end of The Overcast, having gone to spoon a sea of Cabbage Patch dolls.
(Yes, this is an April Fools post. Andy was never interviewed; Pelley doesn’t even have a single CB Doll, but does remember they had a pleasant smell.)