The Bull Horn: Rants, Confessions, and Missed Connections

Submit Bull Horn

Conditioning in Fat Cats Sucks

“Conditioning sucks. Cat hears me open cutlery tray. Cat thinks it means she’s getting fed. Cat goes nuts purring and begging and rubbing against me. Can’t say no to cat. Cat gets food every time I make a meal or a tea or a snack that requires me opening cutlery tray. Cat’s so fat its belly mops a line in the floor as it walks.” – Overfeederer

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

“Don’t yell at your kids in a grocery store, to the point that all the other customers are giving each other uneasy looks. Don’t yell at your kids. I know you were probably frazzled or harried or just too damn warm, but don’t yell at your kids! Parenting is easy. I don’t understand why so many find it so difficult. Respect your kids. They’ll respect you. Period.” – Nicole

Who is This Ace my Husband is Looking For?

“Hello. Have you seen my husband? 5 foot 6, a brunette and blanket hog and a bit of a gambling addict to tell you the truth. He said something about chasing an Ace, and flew out the door with a coat in hand before I could ask him who this Ace was. He seemed to imply if he didn’t go and find this “Ace” fellow someone else would beat him to it. So what? Has my husband left me for a man named Ace, and if so, why do I get the feeling his disappearance was financially driven, somehow. We live comfortably, I thought.” – Hates the Ace

Suggestion

“When naming the Bullhorn, did you consider the Foghorn? It would be so fitting for the Overcast.” – Always Thinking

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Bridge the ‘I Saw You’ Gap

“We crossed paths on that suspension bridge on the East Coast Trail, La Manche. Glad you kinda lingered there. Shy glances, no words, maybe if we weren’t with respective friends, maybe, I dunno, but those looks were leveling. Why am I still thinkin’ ’bout you, Mr. Blue Tee in a white cap?” – What Now?

Miss You Not Catching Me Staring

“School’s out for summer, what a bummer. Miss staring at your reflection in Mrs. X*$X!’s math class window, and wondering about you. In some meaningful way. Complicated like calculus.” – Taken like a Breath.

Um, St. John’s, Be Gentlermen

“Hi there. I’m a 31 year old tourist just trying to enjoy your town. Day 1: My Air BnB host was attractive, yes, but utterly inappropriate with the flirting to the point of, ‘if you need some company later, you have my number, *winkyface*.’ Is there hidden cams in here creepazoid? Lol. At least there was a copy of The Overcast and I found The Bullhorn! Night 2, I dip into your local Tinder offerings, and what a hellhole that is, unless you’re in the market for some very desperate and forward men being clear they just want your body, and hey, here’s some pics of my junk. Night 3: I’m at one of your nicer restaurants, and this man is treating the waitress like he owns her and can say inappropriate things like she’s not doing a job of serving food, but rather, of letting him get his rocks off. Just, in general, a lack of respect for women here, or at least, a lack of grace in interacting with them. That doesn’t turn a gal on. Sorry. Nice puffins and street names though!” – From Maine with Love

A Good Dating Experience

“As much as I think that you might end it at any given time, I have to say thank you for making me believe in dating again. Thank you for not pressuring me to sleep with you. Thank you for not faking it with good morning and good night texts only to stop once you get what you want. Thank you for being honest. My heart might end up hurting because of you, but thank you for not giving me a single reason to think badly of you.” – Grateful

Crushed

“I have the biggest crush on my married coworker. I’d never act on it, but I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to. It’s an exhausting feeling and I wish it would go away.” – Crushed

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Professor Sexy

“I performed poorer than my potential in a course last semester, so I’d have an excuse to have meetings with my prof on how I could do better, and I used that time to perform some A-game flirting, and I got off on it way more than I’ve gotten off on actual sex with dud Tinder hookups. What in the hell does that mean? I miss that prof like I’d miss a lover, a best friend.” – Alonely