Ask Jack & Jill, September Vol.2

Every second Tuesday, two local sex and relationship experts answer you bottled up, anonymous questions.

Ask Jack:

We are between “Jacks” right now, sorry …

Ask Jill:

I break up with my man, then I miss him, then I get back together and it feels spark-less and worn out, then I break up with him and miss him. Is this normal for ending a long-term relationship, or am I … I don’t know, emotionally weak?
– Doubtful Debrah

Jill how do I get over a break-up? What’s the timeline involved?
– Howse

Two break up questions. Pretty much one answer – there is no answer. Ending a relationship and getting over a break-up is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to do it. There’s certainly no timeline or a “normal” way to go about it; no set of rules to make it easier.

You just keep going.

Some breakups are quick and relatively painless in the grand scheme of things. Some breakups drag out for months at a time. Just cry. Scream. Be angry. Accept it. Mourn the loss of the relationship. Have a meaningless hook up. Regret the hook up. Celebrate the hook up. Listen to sad songs on repeat. Obsessively check their Facebook. Hate them. Love them. Let this go on for days. Or, for weeks or months if that’s what feels right. Throw a party. Be friends with your ex. Or don’t.  Do these things until it stops hurting.

I’ve gone through exactly nine break ups. Nine agonizing break ups. Some were less painful than others.  Each one was completely different. Some, I moved on quickly … others took close to a year or so.

But, I got through it. Always and without a doubt, I got through it and I got over it eventually.  Those people stopped consuming my every thought and before I knew it I was happy again.  Happy and ok. You will be too.

The first time I’m with a woman they’re amazed it takes me over an hour to ‘finish,’ but as I settle into a relationship, it’s like sex becomes a chore for them because I take so long. It sounds like I’m bragging, but really, I’m distraught. Unlike women, men can’t ‘fake an orgasm’ (because, you know, there’s physical proof a male has had an orgasm) and I don’t know what to do to make myself finish faster. The Internet doesn’t either.
– J

Hey J,

First things first.  Have you spoken to a doctor about this? Delayed ejaculation can be a sign of a medical issue or a side effect to certain medications. If you’ve gotten a clean bill of health, delayed or difficulty ejaculating is usually something that is psychological.

Is it possible that you masturbate often or watch a lot of porn? Do you have trouble ejaculating when you are alone? It’s very common for some men to have difficulty ejaculating if they masturbate often or if they get used to ejaculating in a way that feels nothing like intercourse.  For example, using an extra tight grip, rubbing up against something to climax, or using something to masturbate with that doesn’t feel like a vagina, mouth, or anus, repeatedly can lead to you to become dependent on that method.  Nothing else will seem to get you off. As well, with frequent masturbation and porn usage, “ordinary” sex can seem less thrilling to some.

I’m sorry you’re having this problem. I can imagine how stressful every sexual encounter must be.

I suggest seeing your doctor (if you haven’t already) to rule out any possible cause, and try not to masturbate or watch porn for a day or two before your next sexual encounter and see how it goes.

Also, try switching things up a little instead of going for sixty minutes of thrusting in and out. Give each other oral sex, manual stimulation or bring some toys into the bedroom. If you’re super aroused and have spent a long time on the foreplay aspect, maybe the act of intercourse will run much smoother and not last nearly as long. Good luck!

Every second Tuesday, two local sex and relationship experts answer you bottled up, anonymous questions. Use the form below to ask your question:

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