Ask Jack

“To be graphic, I went home with a new woman I want to see again. She has an exceptionally large clitoris. I couldn’t seem to get her off. I did NOT have this trouble with my last two partners. Is it possible a large clitoris is somehow desensitized? I read in a chat forum that that’s possible, because it would always be rubbing off her underwear, so it can become desensitized.” – I’mTryingOverHere

Just like how every human hand has the same number of fingers, every human clitoris should have the same number of nerve endings. Which means your new partner’s clitoris is most likely as sensitive as your previous lovers’. It could be that your new partner isn’t as expressive, or more likely, you need a new trick. Any grown woman will know how to turn her clit on, and it’s far less awkward for you to ask her how, than it is for her to tell you how. Many women feel reluctant to instruct a man down there, unfortunately, and for a variety of reasons … not wanting to insult you being a common one. Don’t be afraid to ask for some pointers. What worked on your ex simply isn’t cutting it here, just as what your ex did to you, orally, likely differs from what this new woman does to you, orally?

“Jack: I found tons of porn on my boyfriend’s laptop. It’s organized by ‘type.’ Such as videos of anal sex (Eek!), titsex (I’m too small for that!), facials (Gross!) and gagging BJs (WTF!). After being initially freaked out and disgusted (by him and the porn), I’m trying to wrap my head around this before I confront him. I feel cheated on, and a little like I don’t even know him, sexually. I’m wondering why he looks at videos of sexual stuff we DON’T do? Is he afraid to ask, is this something he wants from me? He must be into these things if he’s downloading videos.” – G’ah!

I imagine it’s easy to feel cheated on right now. And if you feel like him watching porn is him cheating on you, it’s certainly a talk you both need to have. But you should know that the act of him getting off with you in the bedroom, and him getting off to internet porn are, to him, very separate acts. The former is about love and intimacy, the latter is not. Making love to a woman is a long and drawn out affair with a warm up stage, jerking off to internet poor is not. They’re just different acts and experiences, all around. His watching internet porn is most likely not about his dissatisfaction with you.

Studies indicate many things about porn-watching males that you should know. Such as the fact the vast majority of men under 40 regularly visit porno websites 3-5 times a week. This includes an astounding percentage of  men who claim to be happily in a relationship, and, overall “sexually satisfied” in their relationships. Me included.

Point is, science tells us that the experience of getting intimate with our partners, and getting off to internet porn are virtually different experiences. He’s with you because he loves you, he occasionally jerks off to the internet because he’s in the mood for a quick thrill instead of a longer lovemaking session, or he’s horny and you’re at work. That’s all, probably. It’s an alternate, easy, and quick way for him to rub one out.

And while I can’t guess if your guy is into facials, anal, and other things he has videos of, I can say a few reports indicate that what men get off to online isn’t necessarily what they get off on in the bedroom. In fact, one study showed 100 straight women four video clips. The one the majority of them were the most neurologically stimulated by was a video of lesbians going down on each other. Internet porn is all about arousing visuals, not necessarily real-life preferences. That said, there’s only one way to really know what a guy wants and might be too shy or conscious to ask for. And that’s the ask him, talk about, decide if it’s something you are comfortable with.

Ask Jill:

“Hi Jill. I’m a male, interested in anal sex with a new partner. Not all the time, just, for something different. Do you have any tips about an easy way to bring this up with a woman? Is it as selfish request? What if she doesn’t enjoy anal sex, will she tell me? (How will I know if she enjoys it until we try, right, I’m just afraid asking makes me a jerk.)  – ANON John

It’s absolutely not a selfish request at all to want to try anal sex with a partner. Anal sex can feel amazing because that entire area is packed full of nerve endings.  If your partner has tried anal sex before and decided she didn’t like it or she shuts you down immediately, ask her why.  Most women who have tried anal sex or refuse to have it may have done it improperly in the past (no lubricant, didn’t experiment with anal play first using fingers or small sex toys, or they were pressured into it). Asking for it doesn’t make you a jerk so please don’t think that. As long as you aren’t pressuring her, I can’t see why she would get angry with you just for asking. If she doesn’t dismiss you when you bring it up,  you can try watching some anal sex videos together (start with something sort of tame) or you can pick up some anal sex for beginners books and let her read them.  Anal sex is still pretty taboo to some people, so be informed when you are discussing it with her in case she’s one of them. Read up on it yourself and bookmark some hot videos that you think she might like.  Buy some small beginner’s toys for her and a nice bottle of lubricant and experiment a bit before you dive right into actual anal sex.

 “What do you do when your boyfriend treats you like you’re not there? Like, I do everything for him and he don’t doesn’t anything nice in return. I feel like I don’t know why I’m with him or why he’s with me if I don’t mean anything to him. “Withers

If you feel unappreciated in a relationship, you need to let your boyfriend know. I had a friend who told me once that “people treat you how you let them treat you.” If you constantly do nice things for him or you feel you are being ignored, it’s up to you to speak up or leave him. Sometimes people get caught up in their own lives and may not realize they are being neglectful, so give him a chance to explain before you end things. If he doesn’t apologize and he doesn’t change, you should probably end the relationship.

“Jack” and “Jill” are monikers for two local sex & relationship experts, and they’re here to honestly answer your bottled-up questions, every second Tuesday. Use the completely anonymous form below to submit a question