Ask Jack

“Hey, Jack, honestly, I adore this guy and I know he likes my company too. He seeks it out, he does, there’s a chemistry there. But, my company is all he wants. Most guys would have made their move, long ago, and I am ready to give up. Is “Asexual” really a thing? I am not being naive, we’re into each other, but he’s just not into sex it seems.” - Blue Girl

Hi Blue girl,
Instead of speculating, because I’ve never met the guy, I’ll just jump right into a cold hard fact. Being asexual is in fact a thing. And without boring you, it can be caused by many things, the least complicated of which is simply low libido for reasons of chemical irregularity. The average study will cite as many as 1 in 100 people as being asexual or of atypically low sexual drive. That might sound low but, but 1 in 100 is a LOT of people: it means one person in every crowded bar is asexual. The thing is, like you say, they can still exhibit primal signs that they’re into you, but, your proximity or riveting presence and conversation — i.e just hanging — can be enough. Many asexual people will display intimacy in some way though, just not what you’re used to (sex). There are of course other explanations: is he secretly seeing someone else you shouldn’t know about, does he suffer from erectile dysfunction or some other perceived flaw he’s afraid will matter to you? I know one guy who’s afriad to get intimate if he’s back hasn’t been recently waxed — not even joking. But I think you should trust your confidence you both share a connection, and that yes, he is possibly asexual. Up to you if that’s something you can handle in a relationship.

“This new guy I have been seeing for a while likes to “have a few drinks” before we … have a bedroom session. I don’t know what else to make of it but this: beer goggles, he needs to be drunk to find me attractive or what?” - TwoBeersLater

Hi TwoBeersLater,
The trouble with these kind of Q&A columns is that I don’t know the guy, and he could be doing this for any number of reasons. But I suspect you’re jumping to conclusions: 9 out of 10 men find their partner attractive or they’d never “go into the bedroom” with them. It could be that he feels more uninhibited with a few drinks in him, or it could be that alcohol can make some men last longer (you might be surprised to hear that some studies indicate a fear of “finishing too soon” is the single reason the vast majority of men say they’re intimidated by sex with new partners. Sadly, how well they perform is a million miles lower on their list of concerns). Have you never been together sober? If not, catch him offguard and try it out. Does he act more reserved or self-conscious? This is a tough one to answer sorry, but don’t go feeling like he needs “beer goggles” to get intimate with you. You should be able to tell if your partner likes you, and if you can’t, well, that’s a bigger issue maybe? Why not ask him about it? I know that can be awkward, but in this case, only he’s got the answer.

Ask Jill

“I have only been with three guys, including a new boyfriend. This new guy I am seeing only lasts two minutes, and acts like it’s no big deal. Isn’t two minutes premature ejaculation? Is there anything he can do about it? I don’t want to bring it up if there isn’t a solution.” - Anon

Premature Ejaculation is usually within 15 seconds to 1 minute of stimulation. Studies show that most men last between 4-8 minutes, on average. Yes, there are some men who can last much, much longer, but a lot of men aren’t of the marathon sex variety. Some men have sex like they masturbate … quick and to the point.

There are many adult products floating around in the universe that can help your guy last longer. There are condoms with a tiny bit of desensitizing lubricant on the inside that can slow him down. There are also many sprays, creams, lotions, etc that can do the same. They won’t desensitize him to the point of there being no sensation, but they may be able to prolong your sex session, by a little bit. You can also try the “start/stop” method where he stops as soon as he starts feeling super good and you guys can kiss for a bit and then start back up. Sort of like a little teasing session. How fun!

Also, you can mention that after he’s finished, you’d like him to keep manually/orally stimulating you so that you can orgasm as well. That way, the both of you are satisfied which is what every couple should strive for.

“We were watching Mad Men, and talking about Joan. My BF said I should try going redhead for a while. Is he getting bored of me?” - MadWoman

Probably not, but if this is something that you’re concerned about you should definitely chat with him about it. Sometimes people say things and it can be easy to twist them around and worry about them or make them into a bigger deal than they are. Try not to get bent out of shape until you speak with him about it.
I’ve said such things to my friends before. Thinking they would look lovely as a blonde or super sexy as a brunette. I never meant that they weren’t absolutely wonderful as is. I’ve also mentioned to boyfriends in the past that they would look awesome with a beard or that vans slip-ons would be an excellent footwear choice. I never meant that they would be better with these things, just that I think those things are great.

… And maybe I have been wrong to say those things at all. If my husband suddenly said “hey, you would look good as a blonde” I might just start to wonder what was wrong with me right now, as a redhead. Talk to your boyfriend. Ask him if there was a bigger meaning behind his statement. It could be that he just finds red hair to be pretty and that it would look great on you…not that he wants you to change. You could always buy a red wig to surprise him with and partake in a little Mad Men role playing, no?

Jack and Jill are monikers for two local sexucal health workers who will answer 2 questions each, every second Tuesday, on The Overcast’s website. Use the anonymous form below to submit.

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