The Invention: Skirt Weights

This is a wickedly windy city, and yet those who love skirts deserve the right to wear them; they deserve to have their legs be chilled by wind, and be comfortably pantless, and to express themselves through fashion, and to support the stores bringing in cool skirts. Every city should be skirt friendly. Ours isn’t.

Wear a skirt in this town and you’re unwillingly flashing passersby with every gust of wind, and the wind is gusting more than it’s not. Luckily public nudity is technically not illegal in town, so no one’s going to jail for unintentionally showing off their underwear or birthday suit, but it can be embarrassing, it can welcome unwelcome gawks, and more importantly, it’s plain annoying to keep pushing down your skirt every 3 seconds.

The Skirt WeightTM is simply a magnetic, weighted clip you adhere to either side of your skirt so the wind can no longer blow it like a scandalous tornado around your knees. These aren’t black magnets – they come in a variety of fetching colours and designs. Some people might even stop you and say “Oh my, what a nice Skirt Weight, where’d you buy it?,” that’s how nicely designed they’ll be.

The Invention: Tinder App Plug-in to Give Straight Women More Hope

For just $1.99 a month, this Tinder enhancer will randomly inject a few fictional dreamboats in among the dud dudes in town, so the ladies have at least a glimmer of hope left about finding a standup guy in St. John’s, who at least keeps his shirt on in his profile pictures, and is more interested in who you are than showing you he has a truck. Likelihood of unsolicited D Pics = <3%.

The Invention: Vitamin D in Our Water Supply

The amazing human body is capable of making vitamin D from the sun rays hitting our skin. And not just a little: we get 90% of our vitamin D from sunlight exposure.

But here in Newfoundland, we get sun for maybe 4 months of the year, and rarely for a full week straight. We’re tragically deprived of a sun that likes to play peak-a-boo from behind fog banks and rain clouds, or just plain go missing on a bender in Nova Scotia or Boston somewhere just shy of here.

Vitamin D deficiency is serious business: it’s linked with significantly higher rates of many forms of cancer‚ as well as heart disease‚ multiple sclerosis, and many other conditions. Most notably, it ends in bone issues, and who wants soft bones – who wants to be known as a literally spineless population? Hell, maybe the lack of vitamin D in our bodies explains why we have so many spineless politicians?

Vitamin D comes so minimally from our diet – and the NL diet is hardly nutritious to start with – that it’s time we start attaching a Brita-filter-like apparatus to our faucets – and have this apparatus inject synthetic vitamin D into our water.

Government rebates or subsidies should be offered on this product, as reducing vitamin D deficiencies in our ENTIRE POPULATION would lessen the burden of Vitamin D deficiencies on our healthcare system (which, by the way, is one of the province’s biggest expenses every year).